“May angels lead you in…”

I never thought I would be faced with the intensity of today. My imagination was never so dark. It’s funny how the world I always envisioned does not exist, and yet, there are those things, like the need of those great, big, warm hugs that went along to heaven, which no longer exist. The endearments are threaded through sunshiny-bright memories…they provide me with imagined strength. I never thought those hugs would go away. I never thought your voices would fade. I never imagined the deep pain I would feel upon digging through these deep, buried, treasures of tightly-bundled memories… it pains me that I am unable to recall the exact lines in your face or the exact color in your eyes when the bright rays gleamed from them. I never allowed myself to think of this pain; I shut it out, I guess. It could be possible that my meager, dreamer-of-a-brain decided upon the night of your death that it would never happen this way. Your scent would linger. Your guidance would grow with age, reasoning, realization, and the like. Your eyes would always see right through me, scrambling through the muck and breaking down the walls built around the secret chambers of my dear heart. I like to think that you are here with me, watching me write this, and smiling with that contagious happiness that always flowed out of you, into those surrounding, and the very earth which had the great pleasure of being tended and walked by you. I like to think about just what it is you are thinking, or if you think at all? I hope you do. I hope heaven is everything you expected. I know we sure do miss you down here, down in the realm of the evil-pathetic human race. I always considered you my angels, my guardians on earth, while you were here. I used to smile upon wishes for the future… when love, marriage, babies, and all the other “adult” things would come. I wanted you to be here to see me succeed. I wanted to call you about my classes and professors I love and hate and hate and love and love and love… How silly of me. How selfish of me! How childish of me…
Some of my most favorite memories of you are like those songs that, after so many years of not hearing them, surface. This song entices your ear drums, thoughts, and then your subconscious, nerves, cells, and memories stir… your mouth, tongue move to the words… the beat, to the great surprise of your soul, moves throughout the nerves in your body… oh, the warmth in familiarity from a different time period of your journey in life; it takes you back, huh? Sometimes, I don’t even realize I know the words to one of these songs, and as the lyrics pour out of the abyssal pockets of my brain, the realization and also confusion as to why this song ever left my “everyday” memories makes me wonder what blocked it; what caused the interruption? Why did the chords and words which meant so much, dwindle? And, why is it that upon the second-round of “new” listening of these songs, the meaning suddenly presents itself with a pretty bow, wrapped with care, all so you can take it–piece by piece–inch by inch–to devour the greatness of this personal gift all over again, only this time with a completely different meaning? The very title of this rambling is a line from one of those special songs which grabs onto unknown, broken parts within me, yearning to heal as the notes progress, taking special care to ease the mind and relax the nerves into this metaphysical high of remembrance and also sadness. It’s also quite the phenomenon that these songs present themselves when you actually need them, not even realizing it may be possible that it has surfaced to teach something new, something important, something worth learning because the next steps depend on it. Did you feel those chills? It is not cold; No, you feel the healing, you feel the deepness in which the song has come flying from, like a map or guide of darkness, which has suddenly been lit with bright and warm, almost conspicuous lights…. words you did not understand, or even pay attention to, are now obvious. Wait—a flash, guilt, excitement, and memory have come together to form this new experience for the positivity of your soul…
…Much like those memories of you do, my sweet angels looking down on me right now. Can one of you take the time to say hello in my dreams this evening? Perhaps you may give me one of those hugs? Even the tone of your voice would do… I’m not picky…
Thinking about all of this sadness leads me to the next topic of life and the cruel, unexpected “death” of someone still living. Catch up… I know you understand my reference. See Appendix A: Broken Relationships—I’m sure you’ll find a few of those there.
Take your best magnifying glass to the files…the faces, the damages, the hopes, the failures, and then finally the losses; think about this one person in particular and figuratively place them in your life as it is right now. Do they fit in? Be honest with yourself. If they do not, take that damn file and move it to the recycle bin; they probably never “fit” in the first place. Now, upon second glance of these people, pick out the one which holds the deepest sadness for you. Try to explain to yourself, always remaining true, (no rationalizations here, folks) and say out loud why this relationship drowned. Are you willing to throw in a flotation device? Do you honestly think this other person would? No? You know the routine: recycle bin she goes. Now, you may ask why it is the recycle bin, and not the trash which permanently removes. I have a great explanation for you: We are not computers. We do not literally decide which memories we keep and which ones escape. The point is to remove the person, so that with time, as the recycle bin does on your hard-drive, individually and completely deletes after the “file” has not been tampered with for a specified amount of time.
Time is both a reducer and expander of emotions and relations, so be careful when seducing father time to erase too many chunks at one time. It won’t happen. You’ll just fail again and look like an idiot. Just let the memories go naturally, organically…


About shaelynncrawford

I am twenty-three years old, and currently pursuing my BA in English from WTAMU. I have been a natural writer since I first learned to put pen to paper, starting with Haikus and love songs. I write for myself. However, upon making the decision to step out and share my voice with the world, I now write for others, too. I am using this blog so that I may develop a more profound public voice, and also so I may interact with like-minds. I am currently developing a novel that I would like to publish in the near future, and so I am sure some of my ramblings will be linked with the subject matter in my novel. I truly hope that you enjoy my work and that I inspire you to let go and speak your mind. As I said, this is a new process, and so I ask you to have patience with my vulnerability. I'm sure this process will work well for me, and I cannot wait to share my voice with you. Thanks for visiting, and I hope that you stay awhile!
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2 Responses to “May angels lead you in…”

  1. shelly says:

    You are amazing! So gifted Shae! I love you and I am so proud of you!! Momma

  2. Thank you, Mama! I love you so much!

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